Ramadan 2017-Day 8

I was not planning on posting anything today but since insomnia is beating my behind I decided “why not” make my lack of sleep useful.

I want to write a post about the difference between Ramadan in the States and in Egypt but to be honest I feel quite lazy to do so. Instead, I am just going to pour my feelings out and I will be very raw about it.

Today was no doubt the hardest fast ever. Fasting is a wonderful experience both physical and spiritual but it doesn’t make it less hard. In fact, I love fasting and everything that comes with it so much that I decided to give it a go even being 7 months pregnant.

Ramadan is not just about fasting, it’s also about detoxifying yourself from all the bad from this world. It is about building a true connection with your Creator by establishing sincere acts of worship and always calling your Creator in your prayers. It is a clean slack, where if you are completely true to your intentions and actions during this month than hopefully God will forgive all of our sins. It is the time to prioritize what is the most important thing in our lives and try to fix and eliminate our bad habits. During this time, Muslims not only fast but they pray more with extra sincerity, they call upon God more throughout the day and try to be as conscious as possible of our behavior and intentions.

It is all easy said than done especially when you have two toddlers who happen to always make their mom extra tired when she is already tired. It seems like children love to test their parents limits when they are in their absolute worst mood. But in fact is that we as parents are also humans and need to sometimes plug out.

I was my worst self, the self that I don’t like and my kids are not happy about it either. I was completely aware that my behavior was affecting my kid’s behavior as well. However, for some reason I was not able to switch off even though I really wanted to. Today, I just wanted to hand my kids to one of their family members and just take an one hour rest.

The truth of the matter, everyone in Egypt is exhausted. This country is not an easy one to live in for most Egyptians not to mention for an foreigner who is stuck in very authentic Egyptian life without any language resources. I think the language, culture and having to lean on someone to always help you in the simplest to the toughest of the problems is what is making this experience a very tough one. I can’t solve most of my problems so things just keep on adding on and on until I become an emotional rack.

If you are reading this from the Western world than you must be thinking right now “poor girl, I wish I was there to rescue you”. However, leaving here a little more than a year, all of my problems seem to be minuscule to most people in Egypt. In fact, I do feel very blessed as I have seen so much despair in this country and the world. The horrendous acts in Syria, the constant perseverance of the Palestinian people and knowing that there are people today all around the world that go to sleep and wake up hungry. Countless people who have lost everything due to natural disaster catastrophes and those who live in slums that don’t have access to clean water, food and medical treatment.

No matter how bad my day was today and I am sure I will have many other bad ones. I still feel blessed that my days are mostly affected my tiredness, hormonal changes, pregnancy moods ect. Ramadan is not about being perfect and setting perfect expectations, to me it is about being honest and striving to improve always. The one thing I want to get out of Ramadan the most is always leaning on God to help me with my problems and to trust what he has destined for my journey in this life.

Image result for “And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.”

 

 

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The Third Time is Harder…

Funny-Illustrations-Pregnancy-Struggles

If you think being pregnant is hard, tiring and a toll on your body than you are 100% right. If you think that’s hard then you can easily sympathize with someone who is pregnant with toddlers, ok scratch that. Someone who is pregnant with toddlers and no car. Wait! Double scratch that! Someone who is pregnant with toddlers, no car in a chaotic city of Cairo and no husband around.

O M G..Who is that? You might ask..

Well, it’s me!!

I really try my hardest to be passed as a “strong” person and maybe I am but damn am I exhausted. I don’t even swear, so that in it self tell you something.

I am tired of people asking me, “So, how do you feel?”

Well, how to do you think I feel?? Ergh, just thinking about this question is making mad!!!! Why don’t you ask instead, “Do you need help?” or “can I take your kids for a couple of hours so you can rest?

Why? I ask, why you don’t ask me those questions? Off course, I am going to say, I’m fine because coincidentally you only ask me how I am feeling, when I am feeling fine not when it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and your back is hurting and your VG is burning.

However, if you want to insist on how I am doing than continue on reading this post because right now I am in range and cannot keep my emotions in tact.

I am not fine..thank you very much…my feet has swollen and that never happened with my two pregnancies.

I am tired of bending over for picking up shit from the floor, cleaning a house constantly that has the ability to always look a mess, sleep deprived due to pregnancy insomnia, sharp back pains that keep me awake when I finally want to sleep and screaming at my children to stop the heck they doing, to the point where I feel like the baby might pop right there and then.

On top of things, everything in Egypt is a chore and complicated. If I step out of my house which I do everyday, I come home exhausted as if I ran a marathon. Then, I can’t sit because if I do, I have toddlers jumping all over me and don’t give a damn if I am carrying another human being who happens to be their sister in my belly.

If I sound pessimistic, negative and even crazy, well it’s because I have kept this feeling deeply inside and I can no longer bare it for my own sake.

On one hand, I can’t complain to my family because after all, I choose to get pregnant which is totally not true. I didn’t want to be pregnant but just never did anything to stop it which in their eyes it’s like a sin to have a lot of kids or something like that. But DAMN, CAN A WOMAN JUST COMPLAIN WHEN SHE IS TIRED WITHOUT BEING JUDGED ALL THE TIME!!!!!???????

On my husband side of the family, it’s completely normal to have a big family and in fact most people in Egypt have a big family, so complaining to them feels like I am being a brat and spoiled teenager. In their perspective this aint suffering, it’s normal.

So, this why I sound crazy cuz literally I have no one to talk about my true feelings and it’s really affecting my mood and making me very stressed all the time.

I want to end this post with a little fact about me…

When I was 9 years old, I came home from school and told my mom a joke I had learned that day. My mom was laughing her eyes out and I just thought, “man, I got my mom laughing at my jokes!!” One day at a family gathering, everyone was telling jokes and laughing when all the sudden my mom said, “hey, Andrea has a really good joke but you have to put aside her age and just listen to the joke as if an adult is telling it.” At this point everyone is engaged and eager to hear the joke. When I finished telling the joke that no one laughed at, I can never forget the prolonged  angry look that my dad mad at my mom and I. He screamed and was furious at us in front of everyone and that is something that my dad never did before so I was really scared at that point. His range was all due to the fact that the whole joke was full of cussing words, actually the joke was about these words.

That was a pivotal moment and after that I just never dared to say a swear in my childhood moments. With that said, if I ever swear either on writing or speaking, it’s because I am in complete range!!!!!!!!!

On another note, if you have read so far, well thank you a million for sticking around and rest assure I am not a crazy person. Just a prego woman with extra feelings boiling inside and just having wrote this is feeling much better, even my back pain has subsided.

Goodnight,

Andrea

Happy Anniversary on WordPress

Image result for happy anniversary on wordpress

I received a notification today from WordPress letting me know that today is my 4 year Anniversary from the day I decided to blog.

I first started to blog because I was really interesting in photography. I had no background experience or training in photography but I just enjoyed the creative aspect of taking photos.

Soon, I discovered that I liked to write my thoughts and experiences along with my photos. I haven’t been persistent on this blog and to be honest, I don’t really know quite yet what I mainly want to focus and achieve through blogging. All I know is that I enjoy it so I am just going to keep on writing and posting until I know what I want to focus on.

I also want to be consistent and try at least do 4 posts a month. With the new baby coming soon, I rather start this new habit as soon as possible so I don’t fall behind and just give up on it.

With that said, if you follow and read my post thank you so much for taking the time of your day to read my thoughts. I want to build a community and would love to read your thoughts too. What do you like to read the most? What blogs and posts do you enjoy?